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Steve Birdsall

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It was bound to happen

Tonight I find myself fighting depression, the worst of the trip. It’s worse in the evenings and tonight it’s particularly bad. All I want to do is go home – I could make it in four days, faster if I could drive at night, but I can’t see well enough at night for that.

Part of my issue is coming from how cold and damp it’s getting at night and I think I’ve got that solved by using my three wool blankets in addition to my sleeping bag. When I decided to sit up and write this I thought, oh good it’s not as cold as I thought it would be. The weather app said it would drop to 28 degrees tonight and I feel ok, warm enough for 28 degrees. Then I turned on my laptop to find it was only 11:15 pm and the coldest temp hits about 4:00 am. Shit.

I’ve always struggled with a melancholy emotion as it got dark in the mountains when I was backpacking. It was never very bad when I was car camping, but this one is worse than any backpacking trip. I don’t mean to drone on about it, but I’m trying to express I how I feel and maybe find source and healing.

I know I’m getting worried about my job situation when I get home and that’s not helping. I realize that I don’t have it in me to work in the shop anymore, but with my experience running my own company in the past, I expected to go back to work in the office. It would really be a win-win for me and the owner. I have told myself I am not worried about money, but I am. Maybe all the downtime at night is allowing my mind to sink into worry, thus the sadness? In all honesty, I do have some fear of the dark, even as an adult, when I’m camping. Maybe that’s contributing to it as well. Concerns for the future, the changing of the seasons bringing the cold, fear of the dark in the woods – all coming together tonight.

Anyways, that’s my midnight emotional dump.


3 comment on “Depression

  • Josh B
    November 9, 2017 | 3:17 am

    Hang in there pops! I agree, evening’s are always the hardest. For me it seems the ending of day and sometimes knowing I then have to do it all again the next day is tough. Or often more so, moving closer to a date or an event that makes me worry/stressed/nervous/etc. It makes me just want to give up at times.. but being proactive and preparing myself for the said thing helps.. sometimes, haha. Hope you’re staying warm enough.. it’s been a cold fall so far!

  • Kimberly Morris
    November 9, 2017 | 11:32 am

    Steve, all of your worries are warranted, however, remember why you are where you are and what you are trying to achieve on this journey. That is most important right now. Try not to think of the future, cross that bridge when you come to it. Hang in there, you will be okay, I have faith in you and love you.

  • Kristy Benson
    November 9, 2017 | 11:06 pm

    And remember you do get through the day and Who led you through it. God’s perfect love casts out fear.

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